What does it even mean? I think its often one of those psycho babble slogans thrown around all to often and not really-truly understood.
I mean I get what it is, one minute we are talking about how close we are to our next weight goal and the next we are wiping the chocolate donut icing from our mouth and licking the excess off our fingers. Typical "self sabotage" right? , but why? what is it? what is it that possesses us to become numb or dumb enough to believe whatever it is we tell ourselves in the moment and leads to the binge.
Most of us have been there, most of us have experienced that post binge low and shame. Most of us have all done the personal promises where we vow never to do it again and more often than not most of us find us back in the familiar cycle of self sabotage.
I have to admit iv never really gone into great detail thinking about this topic, in fact most of my weight loss efforts are based around my action and plan and looking forward. Maybe not enough time has been spent on some of the true reasons why I have struggled to get this weight off. My story isn't quite easy, I wish it was as simple as I got pregnant became a mum and put myself on the back burner which resulted in some extra weight which I am now working on getting off. Unfortunately if you read my last post you would see I struggled with being overweight as a child, gaining weight back when I fell in love, gaining weight after my first baby and then gaining weight after having my second baby. In between that time I have twice gotten to a healthy weight but lifestyle and choices have led me back to where I am.
If I am honest, each time I have gained the weight back I think its taken a real toll on my confidence.
When I lost 50 kgs for my wedding and was in the best shape of my life I was bouncing with pride, I then got pregnant and had a baby and I looked great at the end but the weight began to pile on and I hid away from the world, ashamed of what I had done to myself.
After having my baby I was desperate to lose the 5-10kgs of weight I had to lose that I dieted from Monday to Friday afternoon and binged from Friday night until Sunday. Every Sunday night I would sit ashamed of how I felt and what id eaten and id vow never to do it again and that this week was going to be different. On weekends that I went really off the rails It would be so hard to get going again on Monday It would actually turn into a 10 day "off the rails" binge fest. This obviously just led to more weight gain, less confidence, more excuses, self hatred and SHAME.
I still feel that shame, I mean here I am a qualified personal trainer and I'm overweight and struggling to get it into check. I teach rpm every week and although I'm awesome at my job and I love it, I give It everything iv got because I feel every week I get up front I have something to prove. To prove I'm not the unfit chubby instructor I feel I look like!
I have everything at my fingertips: a cupboard full of inspiring clothes I want to fit into, a wonderful instagram fitspo page to keep me motivated, books and health magazines, the biggest loser is currently on TV again and the Internet is just a wealth of inspirational people and yet when I get an idea of wanting to binge I make the choice to consciously put all of that aside, not make really any attempt to use these tools to curb the binge and I throw myself into the moment of here and now. No thoughts of promises iv made myself, no thoughts of my feelings afterwards, no feelings of even making every effort to attempt to stop the sabotage.
So why? Why do I do that???? I wish I had the answer, I wish I could have some magical revelation that could unlock the reason, I am willing to bet its got more to do with emotions than it has to do with the fact that I genuinely like the taste of food.
When I eat well I feel great, I get a sense of accomplishment and I do enjoy the food. My energy levels rise, I feel positive and the self hatred is at bay......... needless to say when my food choices are bad all of this could not be or feel more opposite. So if this is the case would it not be a no brainer to be healthy and eat healthy??? If I enjoy healthy food, if it makes me feel good..... why the F$%^ would I want to taint that by filling myself with crap and then feeling crap.
I may not know much when it comes to this topic, I may not have much insight into my destructive behaviours yet but I'm going to explore them. I think Michelle is right when she says that we feed ourselves so much bullshit we start to believe it, I think I have become reliant on food and I have used it to numb myself to whatever it is I don't want to feel at that time. I think at this stage in my journey I need to recognise it and make a clear action plan to deal with it, I would love to sit and say I will never do it again but I cant..... not because I want a get out of jail free card for the next time I want a binge but because I cant possibly make another promise I may break.
Maybe if I stop medicating with food the answers will come, maybe feeling my way through the journey will shake me into a state of awareness that I will no longer feel the need to run, hide and eat.
This post is raw and honest and has taken more guts to write than I thought, the truth is I am so ashamed of my weight and it makes me feel vulnerable. I like to feel strong, confident and together and I don't like feeling exposed or being perceived as weak so whenever I struggle with self discipline my answer is to hide, I suppose its better to push all that to the side than admit that I may not be as strong as I would like to think I am. OMG that's it!!!!! Was that just my AHA moment???? Is the reason I throw my excuses out there and go into "auto pilot eater" because its easier than acknowledging my struggle with wanting to eat and therefor admitting I'm not "all together" I'm not as tough as I make out.
I don't like feeling exposed, I don't like feeling judged and as a result I have built up such a persona of strength and togetherness I made myself believe it too.
Well some tears are flowing and my mind is racing, I honestly wasn't sure what this post would turn into because as I said its not something I have fully explored. I may not have all the answers but I feel like I may have just poked some holes in those walls I have built so high and now there is some light shining on through. I will definitely continue to ponder my reasons and unlock the key to change the cycle of excuses and self sabotage. For now though I will make a plan, an action plan for the next time I have the brilliant idea to cheat on myself and eat over my calories. My plan is to come here and to write my feelings, if not I need to STOP. Stop what I'm doing sit and think, think about why I want to eat and think openly and honestly about it. Give myself a time frame whether it be 2 hours or 8 hours and if by the end of that 8 hours I still crave and desperately want that food then so be it, I will equate it into my calories but it not then it means there was a deeper reason. A deeper reason that needs to be acknowledged and not eaten.........
Tuesday, 25 February 2014
Sunday, 23 February 2014
Introducing me Fit_sharna
So this is my very first blog, I'm a bit of a thinker when it comes to life. As a stay at home mum I have a lot of time without much adult conversation which allows me to go within myself and really think and reflect on life and my choices. I figure having another outlet to get all of those thoughts out can only be a good thing and if others choose to read and get something out of it, then it's worthwhile.
We'll I suppose I should talk about me and what bought me to being here. My name is Sharna and I'm a 24 year old wife and mother. I have been with the man of my dreams for 8 years and we have a 5 year old boy and a precious 20 month old princess. I work as a rpm instructor in a couple of gyms, I'm a qualified personal trainer and I am starting uni in just 2 weeks to become a qualified nurse/midwife.
So that's me on paper u suppose, as far as why I started this blog and the journey I'm about to undertake ..... Well it all comes down to the fact that I have had an unhealthy relationship with food and struggles with my weight all my life.
There's a lot that went into getting me to this point so if you want some insight please read on and if not, skip ahead.
As a child I was normal, average and then grade 5 hit and I went from normal to the overweight/obese kid. I struggled with confidence and self esteem, vowing that when u would be old enough I would pay for Jenny Craig and become the girl I always wanted to be. I was self conscious and felt inferior to others, while other girls were getting their first boyfriends and holding hands and getting their first kisses I was always the good friend who was there to listen and secretly wishing it was me.
High school hit and things just kept on the same until I got my tonsils out at the age of 14 and I lost 30 kgs naturally as I couldn't eat for roughly a month due to infections. When I returned back to school people didn't recognise me and my confidence grew, male attention came and I was loving my new body.
Just one week after my 16th birthday I met the most handsome guy and he became my first love. We hibernated for almost 2 years as we worked full time and spent our weekends watching movies and eating all the food you can imagine. As a result I gained 40 kgs and was back to that shy, inferior shell I was just a few years before. I hated myself, depression came and so did the bulimia which I thought would fix all. I tried a few diets but the shakes came and went whilst I continued to balloon. At the ripe old age of 18 after being told I had severe pcos, no period for 12 months and would struggle to ever have children (all of which was exacerbated by my excessive weight) I found out I was pregnant. Shocked but thrilled I couldn't wait to be a mum and so my weight was suddenly no longer a massive concern of mine as I felt I could hide behind the fact that I was pregnant. I actually
lost weight to the fact that i had severe hypermesis. What's that? Well it's the devils Idea of a fun , I vomited until I vomited blood , I lived in the hospital on Iv fluids, I survived only because of the amazing drug known as zofran which meant I could occasionally eat and keep some fluids down. The air smelt different, no food tasted the same and I basically just existed for 9 months. I lost weight but as soon as I had my baby I was able to eat again and I made up for lost time!!! I gained 20 kgs in 5 months.
I didn't really care because i was so besotted with my baby boy, but when he was 6 months old I joined weight watchers and was disgusted at my first weigh in when the scales said 125 kgs.
Fast forward a year from that day and I had lost 5 kgs at best but I now had a ring on my finger, my man had proposed and I was going to be a bride. Panic set in and I found AJ. Rochesters books and followed her guidelines (basically the same to Michelle's 12wbt) and I lost 50 kgs in 12 months. I was in the shape of my life, not only did I look amazing but I had discovered cycle clases, the gym and I
was fit at 79.5 kgs.
After the big wedding and I felt amazing, I was the go to girl for anyone who wanted to lose a few kgs and my personal trainer had talked me into becoming a personal trainer and I was excited for the next chapter of my life.
Six weeks after the wedding I was pregnant YAYYYY!!! We were thrilled, shocked it happened so quickly with only one month of trying but over the moon.
The shock wore off quickly as I grew sicker by the minute with hypermesis again, we were meant to be in our honeymoon phase and enjoying being newly married but here we were struggling to cope with an autistic 2 1/2 year old, hubby working full time and me in and out of hospital non stop and when I was at home I was in bed with a bucket or half dead on the bottom of the shower.
Our baby girl made her arrival and we were the picture perfect little family. I was only able to eat breads and starchy carbs when pregnant. ( only thing that didn't turn acidic when coming up) so I had
gained about 5 kgs when I weighed myself 1 day after her birth, brilliant huh!! I was getting compliments left right and centre about how great I looked for having just had a baby but my food demons were back as I started to enjoy the taste of food again. With that came crazy binges, I was at home with a newborn and stressed as she was a crappy sleeper/eater. I was also dealing with having our son diagnosed with autism and on top of that trying to finish my personal training course, which by the way was the last thing I felt like being at this point. I was gaining weight quickly and feeling ashamed, so my answer was to pretend I was having an extended pregnancy and begin purging again. She was 7 months old and I was almost 30 kgs heavier at 107 kgs, I was feeling so unbelievably low and just wanted to hide from the world. One minute everyone was praising me for my weightloss, I'm a personal trainer in the making and had it all together and the next a thread was pulled and I was unravelling bit by bit. The shame was unbearable and it got so bad my husband confronted me, I made my first New Years resolution and I promised him I was going to stop the bulimia and get healthy.
I spent the better part of last year focusing on being healthy and not worrying about the numbers the scales said, my sole focus was to stop the bulimia and just eat normal.
I'm pleased to say I have kept my word and I have beaten the disease, it is a massive accomplishment and I'm very proud of my hard work. I finished my personal training course and went on do become a les mills rpm instructor which was my main goal in the fitness industry. I got back in the gym, not for weightloss but for health and fitness and I'm also pleased to say my exercise habits are back in check and I'm loving teaching and being fit again. My eating however has become complicated because with all this baggage of weight gain and weightloss over the years, comes a ton of excuses I throw out there day after day as to why i can't eat well. It's the one thing that's holding me back and it's the one thing I'm determined to conquer with the help and accountability of Michelle's 12 wbt. The reality is I need a clean slate, I neeed accountability and I need to live in the now. Yes my past is long winded and not been an easy road but it doesn't dictate my future, I am going to take control and track my food, continue my hard work in the gym and focus on nothing but the future.
I started pre-season last week and weighed 103.8 kgs and after one week I lost 3.7 kgs and was 100.1kgs. My goal weight is to get back to 79 kgs but in all honesty I could comfortably sit around 83-85 kgs and I will just keep assessing how I feel in myself along the way. Eeeeek I can't believe I just put the numbers out there for others to see.
So this is me, still quite a few holes here and there but you get the basics. I look forward to writing my success over the next few months and coming here when I am needing to express my struggles, it will be therapeutic to get it all out but and nice to have the option to look back whenever I'm feeling nostalgic :-)
We'll I suppose I should talk about me and what bought me to being here. My name is Sharna and I'm a 24 year old wife and mother. I have been with the man of my dreams for 8 years and we have a 5 year old boy and a precious 20 month old princess. I work as a rpm instructor in a couple of gyms, I'm a qualified personal trainer and I am starting uni in just 2 weeks to become a qualified nurse/midwife.
So that's me on paper u suppose, as far as why I started this blog and the journey I'm about to undertake ..... Well it all comes down to the fact that I have had an unhealthy relationship with food and struggles with my weight all my life.
There's a lot that went into getting me to this point so if you want some insight please read on and if not, skip ahead.
As a child I was normal, average and then grade 5 hit and I went from normal to the overweight/obese kid. I struggled with confidence and self esteem, vowing that when u would be old enough I would pay for Jenny Craig and become the girl I always wanted to be. I was self conscious and felt inferior to others, while other girls were getting their first boyfriends and holding hands and getting their first kisses I was always the good friend who was there to listen and secretly wishing it was me.
High school hit and things just kept on the same until I got my tonsils out at the age of 14 and I lost 30 kgs naturally as I couldn't eat for roughly a month due to infections. When I returned back to school people didn't recognise me and my confidence grew, male attention came and I was loving my new body.
Just one week after my 16th birthday I met the most handsome guy and he became my first love. We hibernated for almost 2 years as we worked full time and spent our weekends watching movies and eating all the food you can imagine. As a result I gained 40 kgs and was back to that shy, inferior shell I was just a few years before. I hated myself, depression came and so did the bulimia which I thought would fix all. I tried a few diets but the shakes came and went whilst I continued to balloon. At the ripe old age of 18 after being told I had severe pcos, no period for 12 months and would struggle to ever have children (all of which was exacerbated by my excessive weight) I found out I was pregnant. Shocked but thrilled I couldn't wait to be a mum and so my weight was suddenly no longer a massive concern of mine as I felt I could hide behind the fact that I was pregnant. I actually
lost weight to the fact that i had severe hypermesis. What's that? Well it's the devils Idea of a fun , I vomited until I vomited blood , I lived in the hospital on Iv fluids, I survived only because of the amazing drug known as zofran which meant I could occasionally eat and keep some fluids down. The air smelt different, no food tasted the same and I basically just existed for 9 months. I lost weight but as soon as I had my baby I was able to eat again and I made up for lost time!!! I gained 20 kgs in 5 months.
I didn't really care because i was so besotted with my baby boy, but when he was 6 months old I joined weight watchers and was disgusted at my first weigh in when the scales said 125 kgs.
Fast forward a year from that day and I had lost 5 kgs at best but I now had a ring on my finger, my man had proposed and I was going to be a bride. Panic set in and I found AJ. Rochesters books and followed her guidelines (basically the same to Michelle's 12wbt) and I lost 50 kgs in 12 months. I was in the shape of my life, not only did I look amazing but I had discovered cycle clases, the gym and I
was fit at 79.5 kgs.
After the big wedding and I felt amazing, I was the go to girl for anyone who wanted to lose a few kgs and my personal trainer had talked me into becoming a personal trainer and I was excited for the next chapter of my life.
Six weeks after the wedding I was pregnant YAYYYY!!! We were thrilled, shocked it happened so quickly with only one month of trying but over the moon.
The shock wore off quickly as I grew sicker by the minute with hypermesis again, we were meant to be in our honeymoon phase and enjoying being newly married but here we were struggling to cope with an autistic 2 1/2 year old, hubby working full time and me in and out of hospital non stop and when I was at home I was in bed with a bucket or half dead on the bottom of the shower.
Our baby girl made her arrival and we were the picture perfect little family. I was only able to eat breads and starchy carbs when pregnant. ( only thing that didn't turn acidic when coming up) so I had
gained about 5 kgs when I weighed myself 1 day after her birth, brilliant huh!! I was getting compliments left right and centre about how great I looked for having just had a baby but my food demons were back as I started to enjoy the taste of food again. With that came crazy binges, I was at home with a newborn and stressed as she was a crappy sleeper/eater. I was also dealing with having our son diagnosed with autism and on top of that trying to finish my personal training course, which by the way was the last thing I felt like being at this point. I was gaining weight quickly and feeling ashamed, so my answer was to pretend I was having an extended pregnancy and begin purging again. She was 7 months old and I was almost 30 kgs heavier at 107 kgs, I was feeling so unbelievably low and just wanted to hide from the world. One minute everyone was praising me for my weightloss, I'm a personal trainer in the making and had it all together and the next a thread was pulled and I was unravelling bit by bit. The shame was unbearable and it got so bad my husband confronted me, I made my first New Years resolution and I promised him I was going to stop the bulimia and get healthy.
I spent the better part of last year focusing on being healthy and not worrying about the numbers the scales said, my sole focus was to stop the bulimia and just eat normal.
I'm pleased to say I have kept my word and I have beaten the disease, it is a massive accomplishment and I'm very proud of my hard work. I finished my personal training course and went on do become a les mills rpm instructor which was my main goal in the fitness industry. I got back in the gym, not for weightloss but for health and fitness and I'm also pleased to say my exercise habits are back in check and I'm loving teaching and being fit again. My eating however has become complicated because with all this baggage of weight gain and weightloss over the years, comes a ton of excuses I throw out there day after day as to why i can't eat well. It's the one thing that's holding me back and it's the one thing I'm determined to conquer with the help and accountability of Michelle's 12 wbt. The reality is I need a clean slate, I neeed accountability and I need to live in the now. Yes my past is long winded and not been an easy road but it doesn't dictate my future, I am going to take control and track my food, continue my hard work in the gym and focus on nothing but the future.
I started pre-season last week and weighed 103.8 kgs and after one week I lost 3.7 kgs and was 100.1kgs. My goal weight is to get back to 79 kgs but in all honesty I could comfortably sit around 83-85 kgs and I will just keep assessing how I feel in myself along the way. Eeeeek I can't believe I just put the numbers out there for others to see.
So this is me, still quite a few holes here and there but you get the basics. I look forward to writing my success over the next few months and coming here when I am needing to express my struggles, it will be therapeutic to get it all out but and nice to have the option to look back whenever I'm feeling nostalgic :-)
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