Self Sabotage

What does it even mean? I think its often one of those psycho babble slogans thrown around all to often and not really-truly understood.
I mean I get what it is, one minute we are talking about how close we are to our next weight goal and the next we are wiping the chocolate donut icing from our mouth and licking the excess off our fingers. Typical "self sabotage" right? , but why? what is it? what is it that possesses us to become numb or dumb enough to believe whatever it is we tell ourselves in the moment and leads to the binge.


Most of us have been there, most of us have experienced that post binge low and shame. Most of us have all done the personal promises where we vow never to do it again and more often than not most of us find us back in the familiar cycle of self sabotage.

I have to admit iv never really gone into great detail thinking about this topic,  in fact most of my weight loss efforts are based around my action and plan and looking forward. Maybe not enough time has been spent on some of the true reasons why I have struggled to get this weight off. My story isn't quite easy, I wish it was as simple as I got pregnant became a mum and put myself on the back burner which resulted in some extra weight which I am now working on getting off. Unfortunately if you read my last post you would see I struggled with being overweight as a child, gaining weight back when I fell in love, gaining weight after my first baby and then gaining weight after having my second baby. In between that time I have twice gotten to a healthy weight but lifestyle and choices have led me back to where I am.
If I am honest, each time I have gained the weight back I think its taken a real toll on my confidence.
When I lost 50 kgs for my wedding and was in the best shape of my life I was bouncing with pride, I then got pregnant and had a baby and I looked great at the end but  the weight began to pile on and I hid away from the world, ashamed of what I had done to myself.
After having my baby I was desperate to lose the 5-10kgs of weight I had to lose that I dieted from Monday to Friday afternoon and binged from Friday night until Sunday. Every Sunday night I would sit ashamed of how I felt and what id eaten and id vow never to do it again and that this week was going to be different. On weekends that I went really off the rails It would be so hard to get going again on Monday It would actually turn into a 10 day "off the rails" binge fest. This obviously just led to more weight gain, less confidence, more excuses, self hatred and SHAME.

I still feel that shame, I mean here I am a qualified personal trainer and I'm overweight and struggling to get it into check. I teach rpm every week and although I'm awesome at my job and I love it, I give It everything iv got because I feel every week I get up front I have something to prove. To prove I'm not the unfit chubby instructor I feel I look like!

I have everything at my fingertips: a cupboard full of inspiring clothes I want to fit into, a wonderful instagram fitspo page to keep me motivated, books and health magazines, the biggest loser is currently on TV again and the Internet is just a wealth of inspirational people and yet when I get an idea of wanting to binge I make the choice to consciously put all of that aside, not make really any attempt to use these tools to curb the binge and I throw myself into the moment of here and now. No thoughts of promises iv made myself, no thoughts of my feelings afterwards, no feelings of even making every effort to attempt to stop the sabotage.
So why? Why do I do that???? I wish I had the answer, I wish I could have some magical revelation that could unlock the reason, I am willing to bet its got more to do with emotions than it has to do with the fact that I genuinely like the taste of food.


When I eat well I feel great, I get a sense of accomplishment and I do enjoy the food. My energy levels rise, I feel positive and the self hatred is at bay......... needless to say when my food choices are bad all of this could not be or feel more opposite. So if this is the case would it not be a no brainer to be healthy and eat healthy??? If I enjoy healthy food, if it makes me feel good..... why the F$%^ would I want to taint  that by filling myself with crap and then feeling crap.


I may not know much when it comes to this topic, I may not have much insight into my destructive behaviours yet but I'm going to explore them. I think Michelle is right when she says that we feed ourselves so much bullshit we start to believe it, I think I have become reliant on food and I have used it to numb myself to whatever it is I don't want to feel at that time. I think at this stage in my journey I need to recognise it and make a clear action plan to deal with it, I would love to sit and say I will never do it again but I cant..... not because I want a get out of jail free card for the next time I want a binge but because I cant possibly make another promise I may break.
Maybe if I stop medicating with food the answers will come, maybe feeling my way through the journey will shake me into a state of awareness that I will no longer feel the need to run, hide and eat.

This post is raw and honest and has taken more guts to write than I thought, the truth is I am  so ashamed of my weight and it makes me feel vulnerable. I like to feel strong, confident and together and I don't like feeling exposed or being perceived as weak so whenever I struggle with self discipline my answer is to hide, I suppose its better to push all that to the side than admit that I may not be as strong as I would like to think I am. OMG that's it!!!!! Was that just my AHA moment???? Is the reason I throw my excuses out there and go into "auto pilot eater" because its easier than acknowledging my struggle with wanting to eat and therefor admitting I'm not "all together" I'm not as tough as I make out.
I don't like feeling exposed, I don't like feeling judged and as a result I have built up such a persona of strength and togetherness I made myself believe it too.

Well some tears are flowing and my mind is racing, I honestly wasn't sure what this post would turn into because as I said its not something I have fully explored. I may not have all the answers but I feel like I may have just poked some holes in those walls I have built so high and now there is some light shining on through. I will definitely continue to ponder my reasons and unlock the key to change the cycle of excuses and self sabotage. For now though I will make a plan, an action plan for the next time I have the brilliant idea to cheat on myself and eat over my calories. My plan is to come here and to write my feelings, if not I need to STOP. Stop what I'm doing sit and think, think about why I want to eat and think openly and honestly about it. Give myself a time frame whether it be 2 hours or 8 hours and if by the end of that 8 hours I still crave and desperately want that food then so be it, I will equate it into my calories but it not then it means there was a deeper reason. A deeper reason that needs to be acknowledged and not eaten.........